A little over a month ago I was diagnosed with small intestinal bacteria overgrowth (SIBO), bacteria undergrowth, candida (yeast) overgrowth, and pancreatic enzyme deficiencies. On the bright side of things, I have no parasites!! Essentially, my gut is extremely imbalanced and very damaged.
This is not an out of the blue diagnosis. Beginning around the start of my teenage years, I have struggled with gut health. To put that into perspective I am 22 now (22 - 13 = 9). NINE YEARS OF POOR GUT HEALTH. That means nine years of bloating, gas, constipation, diarrhea, weight gain/loss, poor skin, chronic fatigue, headaches, and lots and lots of emotions.
I am a fairly open book and would tell my life story to any stranger on the street corner. Heck, I post it for the world-wide-web to read. But when it comes to letting people in on the details of my health, there is a level of vulnerability and embarrassment... especially when symptoms are involved like the ones mentioned above.
I am a perfectionist. I don't think being a "perfectionist" is a bad thing. It helps me be thorough and detail oriented among other great things. However, like anything, there is a downside. It is easy for me to believe that people will only love me if I am perfect. Why? Deep down there is a part of me that wants to only love myself if I am perfect. Spoiler alert **THIS COULD NOT BE MORE WRONG!!!**
The deep desire that man has to be loved combined with a perfectionist's view on love, does not end well. The truth is my body is damaged and far from perfect. The sad part is, there have been many times over these nine years where I have felt completely unloveable because I have poor gut health or I have food allergies or just fill in the blank with any symptom.
A perfect example of this is found in my previous relationships. I struggled with being open about how I was feeling with boys I liked... and, no, I do not mean the emotional feelings (although that also is true). I wanted to be attractive and loved. I thought sharing that I had tummy trouble would make a guy not like me. I know writing that sounds so pathetic, and I am sickened that I believed that. But I have a strong feeling that I am not the only girl who has ever felt this way.
In the very early years of my gut struggles, I thought I was only lactose intolerant. What did my boyfriend at the time want to do all the time? Go get ice cream of course. I could not even tell the boy I was dating that I could not eat ice cream in fear of being "that girl" - you know the one who is not fun, dramatic, and is the problem girl. And if I did eat ice cream out of fear of not being liked, I was so afraid of farting, yes I just said fart (sorry mom). To this day, I struggle with very similar things. Being open with people about my symptoms is hard. I still don't want to be "that girl" who is unattractive, not lady like, and has issues. It is hard to feel attractive and confident when you are bloated, have not pooped in days, are breaking out because bacteria is overtaking your body, and have zero energy.
In my head, it is easy to believe that having a broken body is equivalent to being unlovable. HOW BACKWARDS IS THIS?! This thought alone brings me to tears thinking that there are times where I have genuinely felt that way. We are not created to live in the lie that we have to be perfect to be loved.
If you have ever felt unlovable - please know that you are immeasurably loved.
The past month, I have been faced with the reality that I do have all these really unattractive symptoms, but they do not define me or make me unattractive. The past month has forced me to talk about my symptoms. My life has been revolving around bowel movements and bacteria overgrowth. Let's not kid ourselves, this stuff is gross! Ask any one of my friends and they will vouch that 90% of our conversations consist of these two things. This is my life and there is no shame in it anymore. They have shown me how loved I am by celebrating with me in the joy when my bowels are working and empathized with me when they are not. They have loved me through all of the brokenness.
We live in a broken world with broken bodies; yet, in spite of all our sin and brokenness, God loves us so much He sent His son to die on a cross. What is the best part in all of this? He defeated brokenness on that cross. This is the Gospel folks! We get to have life and love and laughter because we are loved! How loved? Enough that a man would die a painful, undeserving death on the cross for us.
My friends are great and have shown me incredible love and support, but this story of the cross, that is the love that gives me life, supports me, heals me, and sustains me. This is where my confidence lies.
This past month, I have asked myself so many times if I believe that God loves me and sent His son to die for me, then why do I not believe that others can love me too in spite of these gross things like bacteria and yeast overgrowth. Nothing about those things are perfect or pleasant or pretty... they are just simply disgusting. I have seven horrible bacterias just feasting and living inside of me. Again, it is not attractive. Yet, I am still loved.
This month has shown me that confidence does not come in a perfect micro-biome of my gut, or any type of perfection I could want. It comes in Christ and Christ alone. In the midst of all these gross and disgusting health things, I have never been more confident in who I am. I have never appreciated my body more and how God created it. The creator of the universe and my body, loves me! He is the one who gives me life, gives me love, and gives me laughter... and everything I could ever need. He is my sustainer!
This confidence is so much more than just a surface level "I feel beautiful" confidence. It is a confidence that is founded upon the love of Christ. If I have faith that He died on a cross and rose three days later so I can spend eternity with Him, why do I not believe that He has my health, my career, my future, my family, my life in His sovereign and perfect hands? He has it figured out! If he can conquer the cross, then He can conquer anything including my bacterial overgrowth.
When I believe that God is sustaining me every single day, confidence is the natural byproduct. And this confidence produces this freedom that is unexplainable. And this freedom produces joy that is immeasurable. That feeling of being "unloveable" is completely shattered when I believe I am loved by God. The most perfect entity loves me in my most broken state. That is power. That is freedom. That is love.
God's love is not an intangible belief. One can argue time and time again the legitimacy of the cross. There are pretty significant reasons to take it as Truth. However, that is not how I experience God's love. Yes, the cross is the way to God's love, but I feel God's love in the everyday. From the sunrise to the sunset to the stars in the sky, it is there. God's love exists in the herbal tinctures I take to kill my bacteria. It exists in the people around me encouraging me. It exists left and right every second of every day. You just have to look for it!
These tangible moments that I experience is what fills me with confidence and reminds me I am loved. The ability to live in God's presence is what gives me hope and joy. If you feel "unloveable" or "broken" look for the thumbprints of God's love in your life. They are there. When you start to see them and believe them, the love of God overflows and that is where confidence, freedom, and joy lie.